There’s a Belgian, a German… and a Frenchman.

In less PC times it was common for the English to tell Irish jokes – now they’re reduced to doing Welsh ones instead. In just the same way, the French tell Belgian jokes. But the Belgians are no victims. They’re just as vicious in response. Here’s a selection of their jokes about the French translated from frites.be.

“What’s the point?” you say. “Most of these jokes are basically the same formula wherever you go. First there’s jokes about personal hygiene, then there’s the ones about how thick they are, then there’s just general abuse. We can do without that kind of cheap racist tat, thank you very much. You fascist bully boy”.

But unthinking political correctness can sometimes prove as much a barrier to real understanding as bigotry. The forms of humour people choose can provide a fascinating insight into their identity and society. In this case it’s particularly interesting to study the relationship between two other nations divided by a (at least in parts) common language. Oh yes… and it provides another excuse to laugh at the French – which is always welcome.

Personal hygiene:

Why did the French invent the bidet?
It’s easier than drinking out of the toilet.

Where’s the best place to hide your money?
Under a Frenchman’s soap.

Intelligence:

A Belgian, a German and a Frenchman go for a job interview in England. During the interview they’re asked to formulate a sentence in English, using the words ‘green’, ‘pink’ and ‘yellow’.
The Belgian starts off: “I wake up in the morning, , I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the Pink Panter on TV.”
The German says: “I wake up in the morning, I see the yellow sun, the green grass and I think to myself: I hope it will be a pink day.”
Finally the Frenchman: ‘I wek up in ze mornaine, I hear ze phone ‘green – green… green – green’ I pink up the phone and I zay ‘Yellow?’…

Pierre’s on the beach with his son Xavier.
The lad says: “Look Daddy – a boat”
“That’s not a boat” His dad says “it’s a yacht”
“A yacht? How do you spell that?” The lad says.
“You’re right” says dad “it is a boat”

General abuse:

What’s the difference between a French dog and a Belgian dog?
The Belgian dog has the arsehole under his tail.
The French dog has the arsehole on the end of his lead.

Why did the French choose the cock as their national emblem?
It’s the only animal that still sings, even when it’s feet are covered in shit.

What’s the difference between God and a Frenchman?
God doesn’t think he’s French…

Two French waiters in a restaurant:
“Oi, Robert. How much does a fart weigh?”
“It doesn’t way anything – it’s gas.”
“Oh. I must have shit myself then.”

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